Merry Christmas

Today, on Christmas Eve, I was pondering why people say "Merry Christmas". After thinking on it a while, I came up with several possible reasons. The first, as always, is that people have a genuine desire for others to enjoy the festivities of this time of year, and they truly want others to know the "reason for the season"...meaning to celebrate the birth of Jesus. Another reason might be that "Merry Christmas" is aesthetically pleasing to the ear. For example, happy holidays, happy Halloween, happy Hanukkah are all alliterations and Happy Christmas just doesn't have the same phonetic awareness as Merry Christmas does. The "M"s have a more pleasing sound. Another possible reason would be a play on words...like Mary Christmas, giving the allusion that Jesus' mother, Mary, should be given some kudos for giving birth to the world's savior. Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus and constantly think about His role in my life and where I would be if I didn't know Him. He is and always has been the reason for every season. I was just wondering about the people in our nation and whether "Merry Christmas" had the same meaning for them as it does for me.

I was reminded of a story I heard when I was kid. I can't remember the whole story or even where I was when I heard it, but for some reason it stuck with me and the meaning becomes more clear each and every year. Maybe you have heard it too...

There once was a great and mighty king. This king had only one heir to the throne and the only son that would ever be born to this king. So, the king took the precious baby boy to live among commoners. The twist is, that this great and mighty king was also very intelligent and wouldn't tell the commoners which of the children among them was the young prince. The commoners had several meetings to try to decide which of the children should be treated as a prince and were never able to figure it out, so they were forced to treat all the children as if they would one day grow up and become kings.

As a kid myself, when I heard it, thought this worked out perfectly for all the children. None of them would ever be hungry or cold. Then as I got older, I thought it worked out best for the adults too. I think if the adults in the community of commoners were forced to treat every child as kings, then those children would grow up and treat the next generation as kings too. If no one knew who the next king was going to be, then everyone would be treated as royalty. Tempers would remain in tact, fears would be alleviated, feelings could be shared easily and trust would be introduced back into a community of commoners, that would then turn into a community of kings.

Anyway - back to Christmas. I think the story and Christmas go hand in hand. God placed his one and only heir amongst a world of commoners. I don't think those commoners did a very good job of treating each other like kings, but when that precious baby boy grew up to be THE King, He sacrificed his Earthly Kingdom to rule in the greatest Kingdom of Heaven. I would imagine that He still places young princes and princesses in our midst and is fervently hoping we will treat each other as royalty in His name. And in doing so, saying "Merry Christmas" might actually mean for us to let each other know that we are His young royalty and will make an effort to treat each other as such.

So,,,,, MERRY CHRISTMAS to all the young princes and princesses out there and may your HOLYday season be bright and blessed.

Trust

On this cold, wet and rainy Thanksgiving, I feel the need to share yet another Emma story. She has kind of a thing about her treats, and especially the bones that have meat inside them. She received a bone this morning and has been searching for a place to hide it for about two hours now. At one point my brother called and I was laughing at her squirrel-like hoarding. Emma had the bone hidden in her mouth! So, I get the house straightest up while the guys are still sleeping, and make sure the Macy's Day Parade is on. As I finally sit to take a break and catch Kermit's float, Emma jumps into my lap for some hugs. She does the neck hug, and then drops the bone out of her mouth onto my chest. She jumps down and grabs a drink of water. While she's gone I think about what a great gift. Trust. She didn't trust the tree skirt, she didn't trust the blanket on her bed, she didn't even trust her kennel. She trusted me with her precious item.
Of course, she is back now to retrieve it, but for a moment or two, she trusted me with something very special to her. I'm thinking Thanksgiving is off to a fabulous start. I will now spend some time being thankful for all of the gifts God has seen in his infinite wisdom to trust me with. Happy Thanksgiving!

Mind Set

I am not sure where this blog is going...I just know that I need to blog. I think I have ranted and raved enough about how much I dislike this time of year and I honestly think my mood has got to improve. I don't really want to take the energy or effort to improve it but here goes...don't be offended if it is half hearted.

I need to get out of the habit of putting my p.j.s on as soon as I get home. It shouldn't matter that the sky is already dark at 5:00. Nor should I mope around the house looking for something to gnaw on. That could put me over the edge of my weight boundaries that I have set for myself (and seem to be failing miserably with). So - I would tell my students to think of a better plan, and then to see it happen by making it happen. Ugh. Who listens to me? Why would they listen to such a pitiful piece of advice? Ohhhhhh how I hate having to follow my own rules. My first note to self? Quit giving advice so I don't have to follow it myself.

Moving on. Okay. Here I go. Breathe in and breathe out. Straighten the shoulders, roll the neck, stop typing............look around the room ....ANYTHING but this....oh. I see something that needs to be done, so hold on.

Okay. I am back and ready to start with the breathing again. Well, this could take a while, huh? I think I might be procrastinating so I don't have to come up with a better plan. I always thought I was a genius, and now I am certain.

Alright, so there might be an inkling of hope. I could meet my husband at the gym before coming home. But that would mean taking off work clothes, putting on gym clothes, and then coming home to put on pajamas. Is it worth it? Let's think this through...I could spend time at the gym NOT for health purposes or losing those unwanted pounds, but to spend quality time in the presence of my awesomely attractive husband. I could smile and flip my hair and flirt with him in public places. I don't know how attractive that would be while trying to gracefully walk the treadmill, but a few wipe outs later, I would surely get the gist of it.

Plan #2? I haven't thought that far, but I know my husband is currently at the gym so I will go flirt for a while. That sounds like fun. :)

Cold weather

Someone once asked me what the best sound in the world was. I find it interesting that the same sound is, in my opinion, the same as the worst sound in the world. I believe the best sound is the geese flying overhead while returning from warmer climates in the spring. Having said that, I have to also say the worst sound is the geese flying overhead while heading out of town to warmer climates.
I wish I could talk myself into being more inclined to like cold weather, but the plain truth is that I just can't stand it. Here are just a couple of reasons:
It doesn't feel good on my skin, like the warmth of the sun does.
It causes static cling on clothes.
It causes static in my hair.
It causes me to want to sleep until spring.
It causes people to drive funky in the snow. Idiots.
It causes my family to not spend time together, mostly cuz I'm asleep.
It causes me to feel claustrophobic due to the insane amounts of clothes one has to wear.
It causes school to last longer in the spring becaue of snow days.
It causes me to be in a bad mood because I don't get any ultraviolet light.
It causes people to get on my nerves when they are all into the cold weather.
It causes me to get crown lines in my forehead from frowning all the time.
It causes me to feel like taking baths in lotion to ease dry skin.

Anyway I don't like it.

Halloween

I am sitting on my front porch with an extremely large bowl filed to the hilt with candy. This years children seem even more excited to be trick or treating than last year's. The little cowboys, hulks, spidermen, ninjas, and ghosts made out of pillow cases take me back to Comanche's days of toting around a bucket and yelling, "twick o tweet!".
I also remember how he would lick his lips until they cracked while his dad and I would check his candy before he could eat any, and constantly repeating how he would just have to wait until we would finally feel confidant with a piece to give him until we were finished.
As I am thinking about this, I looked up to see a county sheriff's car drive slowly down my street. I'm glad they are patrolling but at the same time I can't help but to wonder if my son's children will have safe neighborhoods to knock on doors in a cute little costume.
When did we allow bad things to take over our children's lives? So many little ones suffer because the adults in our world (including me) can't figure out how to regain our right to protect t and provide for our families in a safe America.
Hopefully, the kids in classrooms across the nation are being taught to be better than us. Hopefully, they are given critical thinking skills that will allow them to solve the problems we are leaving them with. Between me, you and this blog... That just doesn't feel good enough.
So, what can we do to make it so our kids and their kids will be able to concentrate on their own created problems and not ours!? Sigh. Well, that seems to be the million dollar question, doesn't it?

I will think on this and so should you. If you come up with anything, then shout it from the rooftops! Don't let another day go by without letting other adults know so we can make the difference we are expecting our kids to do.

Fall

As the season changes, so does the mood. I am without doubt a summer baby...I love the sunshine and the lazy days, but something about the crispness of fall is also pleasant. I enjoy the colors of autumn and the whispers from the falling leaves. The pleasantness of the different hues of orange makes one feel like the sun has landed within the trees, and has kissed the ground with the softest lips. Each leaf knowing that the next breeze will be the ride of a lifetime. The natural brown and soft tan colors add to the flares of red, accenting the other one with a perfect match. The occasional bare limb longs for its counterparts already detached and moving on to another purpose.

The houses are decorated with the upcoming holidays and the mums have been sprouting to sing their own hymns. Children prepare for ghostly evenings and hope for bags of sugar with their goblin and fairy wear.

Sunday afternoons and Monday nights have their own cult following as the footballs spiral through the air. The fairer sex finds craft festivals and day trips to occupy their time.

The air turns cooler and invites a fire topped with smores and sticky hotdogs. Hayrides are perfected for long first kisses, and holding hands while sharing the same wool blanket.

Families begin thinking of new dishes to try for Thanksgiving and making final arrangements for travel; all while anticipating the hugs and staying up late trying to catch up on all that has been missed over time without each other.

Fall is a pretty awesome sight to behold. But I still can't help but wonder how to go straight from Christmas to May.

Inspired

Okay. So I said I was going to wait until something inspirational hit me before I blogged again. Well, it happened. Just this morning...

Comanche asked me to visit the church he has been attending. (I think he thought I was getting out of the habit of going to my own church.) Anyway, it meant a lot to him or he wouldn't have asked. I got up this morning, got around, waited on Jeff and then we went to church to meet Comanche (who incidentally got up earlier and went to Sunday School). I sent him a text to meet us in the lobby where we were waiting. He came down the hall with a group of similar aged people and they all smiled and welcomed us to their church. Jeff and I went to find a seat while Comanche stayed with the group of young men and were seated a few rows away. Several people behind us welcomed us, made small talk, and generally gave us the good ol' Baptist "hello". When I turned back towards the front of the sanctuary, I was inspired.

What I saw were several of the young men I had seen earlier standing in front of the alter, huddled together. The teacher in me perked up and wondered what the guys were up to, the mother in me perked up and looked around for my offspring. But the Christian in me was the part that was inspired. The young men were huddled with their heads bowed. They were praying together...standing in a group...in front of the entire church...and then hugged afterwards. Their demeanor was so much like that of the elders of the church I attended as a child. These young men were behaving like grown men that had been walking the Christian walk for years!

Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal IF it were older men, laying their hands on one of their own, praying for God's mercy or healing, or whatever the need. However, what I saw was not grown men, this was young men; about 12 young men...all between the ages of 16 and 18 or 19. When the huddled group finished hugging, they backed up a little and the each young man had a look on their faces that was pure love for each other. They were genuinely praying for each other and all that entails.

The church was a nice visit, but in all honesty it made me miss my own. The lesson learned: go to church and pray for each other. Whatever those guys were praying for, I am most certain that God was listening.

Sometimes

Sometimes do you feel like the world has maybe gone sideways and you are still trying to stand straight? I'm not sure why I have been feeling a little off lately. I still do the same things: I call my mom, I hang out with friends and family, I still teach, but nothing seems to fit. Nothing tastes right, nothing is truly inspiring, and nothing gets me moving unless I do it by habit alone. There are thousands of reasons I should be inspired, and I notice them. That's the crazy part; I really recognize when I SHOULD be up in arms, but I don't.
Maybe the mind music has taken a break. Or maybe my mind as a whole has just started to do something it has never done before and is taking a hiatus for a while. I will continue to do the habitual things because, well, it would be too bazaar for me not to. I wouldn't want to offend the people I care about. The rest, I guess, can just get over it because I'm not dead, so I don't see any reason to be different in that department either. ;)
Well, until I have an inspiration I guess my mind music will halt for now.

Sweet things

On this rainy Saturday morning, I am snuggled up in the recliner with one of the sweet things in my life. I am very blessed and fortunate to have so many sweet things surrounding me. This morning, though, I just happened to be checking email, thinking about plans for my students, wondering if my ankle will feel better if I just get up and clean house, watching the rain, and thinking all of these things put some kind of stress on people. Then, my sweet Emma gathered herself up from the foot of the recliner, crawled up to where her face was as close to mine as she could get, muzzled her neck up against mine and sighed. I smiled, as usual, and gave thanks for such a wonderful gift. Then I started thinking about why Emma "hugs" the way she does. I get myself angry when I think about how she was hit by a car, had to have her tail amputated, and still has a scar over her right eye where she had a nasty gash. Even before we knew her, she had been through some turmoil that most beings would be very bitter about. But still, this puppy still loves and she loves with all her heart. So I got back to thinking about why. Why does she hug with her neck touching mine, even if she is in an uncomfortable body position? Then it hit me...her lifeline is connected to mine. The place on her body that is easiest to find a pulse needs to touch the place on me where she can feel my heart beat.

We sit like that for a while and she continues to sigh pretty heavily. I begin to wonder if I can ever be that content. I think what she is teaching me is to take the good with the bad. If her previous family had taken care of her, then I wouldn't be getting the sweet Emma hugs that I get every single day. Thank you, lord for your many beautiful, sweet treasures.

The power of friendships.

Today I was talking to a friend about something that was relatively important in her life when she said the strangest thing. Well, maybe "strange" isn't the best word choice but what she said made me really think about what I'm getting ready to share; maybe the better word is "perplexing". Let me start over.
Today, I was talking to a friend about something relatively important in her life when she perplexed me by saying, "Don't feel obligated", to do something with her.
I think the word "obligated" is what caught my attention.

I then explained to my friend that I was not obligated to do anything at all, however, i consider this person a true friend and choose to sit beside her, or cry with her, or laugh with her, or deal with anything that comes her way because I am her friend. This is what I consider friendship.

Friendships don't require obligations. Obligations are those things that you feel guilty about if you don't do them. I wouldn't feel guilty if I didn't stand beside or behind my friend; I just wouldn't feel like a friend.

Lessons

I know I haven't posted in a while. I think my mind was trying to wrap around the things that have happened the last couple of weeks and I tend to try to sort things out quietly. Then, when my music returns, I can process enough to write about it.

A week ago today, I was with a friend because her wonderful, sweet, loving grandmother had a catastrophic stroke. The particular part of her brain that was affected would mean if she recovered, she would be blind and paralyzed. The doctors put Ma Ellen on life support with a forty eight hour prognosis. The family decided Ma Ellen would not want to live like that so they took the life support off on Thursday. My friend and I stayed in the hospital for the night. As amazing as it sounds, the night went by rather fast. The nurse called us in the waiting room (where we were stationed) and said we needed to come on back. My friend and I (and a cousin) were there when Ma Ellen took her last breath. They held her hands, soothed her, and my friend sang while I rubbed Ma Ellen's feet. I wish I had the words to explain what a beautiful experience we shared when God took this wonderful lady home to be with the rest of His angels. I simply do not have the right kind of vocabulary. Not yet. However, my friend came the closest when she said it felt like, "Be still and know that I AM GOD."

Then on Sunday, the same friend spoke and sang at her grandmother's funeral. The words she said caught my attention like nothing I had heard before, even though I had read the scriptures many times.

Proverbs 31 (26-31)
"She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.
Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty if fleeting: but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

My friend told those attending the funeral that Ma Ellen had, "done it right". She went on to give specific examples of the things her grandmother did for their family and friends. So I thought about this. Then I thought some more. And here are the lessons I am so thankful that I have learned:

Ma Ellen loved me. She didn't know me well because every time I saw her, she was in the nursing home, but she ALWAYS made me feel welcome and special. She would say things like, "You have sure grown up well", and "aren't you beautiful?", and "You sure are a good friend". She didn't know me, yet she loved me. Sounds very biblical but I can't stress what I am trying to say well. She followed Jesus' teachings and opened her arms. The lesson from this is that I need to improve in a HUGE way here. I don't open my arms to anyone unless they pass some kind of ridiculous trust test that isn't even a fair test.

Ma Ellen gave me an eternal gift when she raised her family to be so incredibly open and passionate about life. My friend, her father, her aunt, her cousin...they all are very passionate about life (and death) and live every moment as if it were their last. I know this sounds cliche - ish, but again, very true. Even while trying to comprehend death, this family welcomed me and made me feel special. Lesson? Learn to think of others first, and especially when dealing with crisis.

Ma Ellen did do it right! I have learned that we are given one shot here on this Earth. That's it! We have choices to make, and they aren't even hard choices; we either love or we don't. I choose to love. I choose to love life. I choose to love - no matter the cost. I can't continue to go through life only half way loving. And this is the thing that I had to wrap my head around....how would the world be if Jesus only loved certain beings? Or people that met a certain criteria?

Ma Ellen taught me a lot about life. I will spend more time honoring the love she left behind, and I will certainly try harder to "do it right", because with all my heart, I want my God to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Karma

Karma is when you have been pretty pissy (for no apparent reason) all day and then go to get in the shower, slip, fall on your ankle and have to spend the rest of the day with your leg propped up. I wish is wasn't the truth, though. How humiliating is it to fall, but how much worse is it to fall in the shower???? I wanted to lie there and gather my strength, but another piece of karma is not setting the water temperature to something other than scalding. So, now I have a bum ankle, scalded skin, and still pretty pissy. I wonder when I will learn. Hopefully very very soon.

While I am at it, isn't Karma spelled with an 'h'? My computer says no, so I am thinking this is just one more argument I won't be winning today. sigh. Oh well...the good news is that tomorrow is a new day.

RJ

So before my battery runs out, I had to say some things about my niece, RJ. We were walking through a store towards the toys, cuz she is five. She is telling me we need to hurry but she gets to oooohing and awwwwing over everything she sees and stops abruptly, shakes her head and says, " I am getting distracted!" I laugh but know she and I think exactly the same way. Then we spend a couple of days chasing waves at the beach but she is by far the braver of the two because she doesn't mind the seaweed sticking to her. Then tonight we were talking about her coming to live with me. She totally manipulates the conversation, I end up with her thinking that I should move in with her. She breaks my heart when she runs to her daddy (my brother) and cries on his shoulder because I won't live with her! Then she gets over it and we try to solve the mystery of the missing frog we'd seen earlier. We spend the rest of the evening looking for clues (using scooby doo phrases and quips). That child is definitely a mini me. Even her mean face and giggles are so similar to my own. God is certainly amazing and clearly a disciplining God, especially where my brother is concerned. Poor guy.

Reflections

(I started this blog last night - so forgive the length.) On this evening thirty eight years ago, my mom was using all her strength to bring me into this world. I understand celebrating the yearly anniversary of our birth, but I think will use all my 38 wishes this year on others in honor of my mom being the one person to fight so hard for not only my birth, but my life from that point until now. So here we go:
I wish for
1. My mom to have the best year of her life.
2. My husband to have the best year of his life.
3. My son to have a fantastic year ( he doesn't have children, so the best years of his life are a little ways off.)
4. My brother, Mac, to have all his dreams come true.
5. My brother, Ron, to have a smile on his face with no worries.
6. My brother, Steve, to fill as many people's hearts with the Lord's love as heavenly possible.
7. My sisters in law to continue to love my brothers with undying devotion.
8. Buddy and Josh to continue to be safe while serving their country.
9. Chase to have a fabulous football season and school year.
10. Maylee to have a thousand hugs a day.
11. Eli to have a thousand kisses a day.
12. R. J. to have animals surround her so she can share her love a thousand different ways a day.
13. Tanner to have love with infinity and beyond ( no take backs).
14. Addy to have a thousand butterfly kisses a day.
15. Murry to have a house full of grand babies for every holiday .
16. Daddy to have music and John Wayne marathons until the end of time.
17. Sandy to enjoy being close to home.
18. Lori to have her children close to her, always.
19. Mischa to continue to rock Oklahoma.
20. Amy to have the best year of her life.
21. Miriam to have unconditional love forever.
22. Gerri to have eternal joy with her girls.
23. Sara and Renae to have a great school year.
24. For my students to learn as much as they possibly can.
25. The pool to remain a calming effect on those that I love.
26. The creatures of the ocean to figure out how to get back at the humans at BP.
27. The survivors of natural disasters to really live instead of exist.
28. Emma, Pookie, and Snoopy to get treats and love everyday.
29. Families of my family and friends to have unconditional love all the rest of their days.
30. Maddie and Kitty Belle to reclaim their superiority over the dogs.
31. Roby's Animal Rescue and Sanctuary to adopt every homeless animal they come across.
32. Kevin Dobbs to have the best looking yard for the rest of the season.
33. My mom and brothers to realize how loved and important they are.
34. Christmas to be available to those that need it most.
35. Those that don't like the cold to have an extended summer.
36. Those that don't like the heat to have a short fall.
37. Jesus to show His mercy and blessings to every person on the planet so we can hurry and get to Heaven.
38. God to watch over my family and protect them from evil, harm, and pain.

Anxiety

Anxiety comes in many forms and several levels. I guess my anxieties are mostly internal and I'm pretty selective which ones I share and overly protective with whom I share them with. However, I don't mind sharing the ones that are external and out of my control. rest assured that God has them all under His care and I recognize that and am very appreciative. The ones I want to talk about right now deal with getting old. In about a week I will be 38. While normally this doesn't qualify as an anxiety, the realization that with every year I get older, so does my baby.
I was watching him today and he was acting silly, which is not at all unusual for him, but I noticed how mature his silliness is these days. I miss the toddler that would slap his little hands on his thighs, jerk his head from looking to the right to looking to the left and then laugh like only little boys laugh...uncontrollably and without any inhibitions whatsoever.
Today, his voice is much deeper, his jokes are profound and his eyes are so aware and wise. I got a glimpse of the man he is growing into. While I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, I found myself trying very hard to laugh with him and cry all at the same time.
This evening, I am unsuccessfully attempting to remember when he last needed me to rub the inner part of his arm to get him to sleep, or when he tolerated my waltzing him so he could calm his mind from bad dreams. I desperately want to remember his little boy scent after playing outside or after a baseball game. I would really settle for one more "mommy, will you read me a book or watch a 'didsney' movie?"
I guess I should stop spending my time trying to recall all of my little boy's sweetness and allow this new set of memories of his teenage years to become as endearing as every breath he has ever taken.
He is going to be gone from home soon, and I want every moment to count. So, for those of you that keep up with this blog, and you are fortunate enough to have a little one in your life, take a moment or two every night to watch them sleep. While they are resting their little bodies in preparation of tomorrows memories, you can replay the day in your mind so it will be there when you need it.

Inspirations

I haven't posted in a couple of days and thought I better look for some kind of inspiration, and you know what I found? Well, at first nothing and then I went ahead and sat down to try to write something and Emma put herself in my way. So I stopped trying and let her put her little neck on mine for a while. That's how she hugs. Then I got to thinking about how many things we can learn from our animals. I don't mean just poop OR pee anywhere you get the urge, I mean the loyalty, show of affection, constant attention (unless an unfortunate furry animal crosses the path - poor Mattie), and the forever and always love.
Then I thought about the other things too, like people should know how you feel about them, even if you need to pull back your lips and snarl or growl. Ummmm, I have this one down, so I need to work on wagging my tail a little more. Ha ha that sounds a little racey but you know what I mean. I need to be more open to games and all around fun times. I don't know about y'all but neither one of my animals spend all day cleaning or stressing over a whole lot. Of course, they are also well taken care of.
Anyway, I guess my inspiration is that we need to make sure and remember that we are all animals of some kind and the last time I checked, dogs were at the list of best companions... Wonder why humans don't even make the top ten?

Summer!!!

Those of you who know me, know that I am a summer baby. The problem lately, hasn't been my lack of enthusiasm for summer, it is just that for the last several summers, I have been too busy to really enjoy. I was either killing myself while taking summer classes so I could hurry and get my masters, or I was taking classes AND teaching at the loft, or I was taking classes, and taking more classes in Bowling Green (and driving back and forth every day). Whew! Looking back I am not sure where all that energy came from. But this summer is SOOOOO different.

We got out of school last Wednesday and I have managed to stay busy doing piddly things. For example, Thursday we had to be in school to close out, Friday I went to organize Jeff's office in Russellville, and the weekend I spent cleaning every nook and cranny I could find. Today, I took a little slower, but still managed to get my errands done this mornings, scheduled appointments for dentists, and dog groomers, and then watched a movie with my kid. (Dazed and Confused - if you haven't seen it, you should; especially those of you who are of the same age as I.) Anyway, I took it slower.

I have also been clicker training Emma, formerly known as Trixie. Comanche thought her name sounded too promiscuous, so Emma seemed far less worldly sounding. She is coming along nicely, so everyone is getting along beautifully.

I hope to catch some pool time with Amy and the occassional runnning we do over the summer (Jeremy is playing for the Oilers - so maybe we will catch a ballgame or two). Other than that - summer is looking pretty quiet. I'm glad.

Teaching

Teaching is such a great job. I know people think we get all the perks, what with summer vacations, spring and fall breaks, snow days, etc., but with those great perks come some pretty large responsibilities. For 176 days out of the year, we are responsible for teaching our content areas, teaching social skills, teaching respect, teaching rules, teaching how to think, teaching how to think ahead, teaching self discipline, teaching relationships, teaching self esteem, and a thousand other things that kids need to be taught. This is no easy task.

Then when you have taught all these things, the last day of school rolls around. All the time you have spent teaching the little buggers, you wake up and realize they have taught you. They teach you innocence, heart, inner strength, curiosity, openness, and trust. So, I guess in essence, the teaching is not what wears me out - it is all the learning I have to do every year!

I will miss this class of 7th graders more than most. They have been a true blessing and I hope they will never stop teaching people.

Padded rooms

Recently, however coincidental, the term padded rooms has come up in several discussions and conversations I have had with a variety of people. So, I thought for the record, I need to just come out and say that I believe everyone needs a padded room (some for longer stays, of course), but truly we all need to have a place to go and scream, pound on the walls, fall to the floor, kick at the door, spit, growl, and then curl into the fetal position to think things through. A place that is safe, free from observations, and can be quite private.

I saw a previous student the other day and he was talking about padded rooms and how he had been put in one when he was younger. His experience was pretty rough. Another person was talking about them two nights ago and how great it was to use the room as a refuge. Another friend, a teacher, uses them to help keep her kids safe from themselves. Then I had a conversation where the person was wishing for one.

I think padded rooms are great. I think the straight jacket is the problem. :)

Trixie

Our family has a new addition: Trixie. She is three and 1/2 months old. We adopted her from Roby's Animal Rescue and Sanctuary. She was hit by a car and had to have her entire tail amputated. Whatever this puppy lived through, she is not only a survivor, but she has remained inherently sweet tempered and completely full of love.

We are so lucky to have her in our lives. Thank you, Lord, for providing us with such a wonderful, sweet, loving family member.

Favorites

List of my favorite things:

Jesus
Comanche
Jeff
Mom
Brothers / family
close friends
my job
The color green
the color lavendar
spring
EASTER
summer
US ARMY
horses
puppies
any baby animal (rodents don't count)
Pride n Prejudice
sweats and OK t-shirt
wrangler jeans with justin ropers
Oklahoma
large porches w/ rocking chairs
wide open spaces where you can see for miles
storms that don't hide
Big trucks with dual wheels
music
watching kids think and figure out problems
really any literature (even the back of the shampoo bottle)
honor
integrity
thinking outside of the box

When things backfire...

Today's lesson boys and girls, is to really THINK before trying to do the right thing. Don't believe me...read the following. TRUE STORY!

I was out on a long stretch of road when I passed a lady carrying several bags that appeared to be groceries. Normally, this would not have caught my attention, but with the rain pouring down, I felt pretty bad for her. I continued to drive, but my heart was heavy because I just can't stand to think that someone is struggling. Then a thought popped into my head: What if that is Jesus and He is testing to see if anyone at all will even offer to help? Well, I turned around to go offer a ride. At first, I couldn't find her, and thought, "Well, I failed that one." Then I caught her shape in the steady rain. I pulled up next to her and tried to catch her attention. She was looking the opposite way into the field. I hollered, and still she looked away. I honked to get her attention. She stopped walking, turned to my vehicle, and stuck up her middle finger while yelling at me that she was NOT A PROSTITUTE!!! In shock, I started shaking my head and saying, "Ma'am, I just wanted to offer you a ride." She screamed again, "I AM NOT A F*&^%ing PROSTITUTE!" There were cars behind me, so I gave up. As I drove away, I smiled and thought, "Okay, Lord, What is the lesson here?" Then I had this pretty cool thought that this lady was a fighter, and she would be okay without my help.

As it turned out, I was driving around town wasting time because I needed to wait on the restaurant to open because I had to grab Jeff's cell phone (he left it there last night). I finally just pulled over into an empty parking lot to make a phone call to 411 to get the number of the restaurant to see if they would open the door and just give me the phone. While I was waiting on the operator, I noticed a police cruiser pull up directly behind me. The officer got out of his vehicle and I rolled down my window to the pouring down rain. He asked if I had, earlier, tried to pick up a lady. I said I had, but she screamed at me. He said she called in my license plate number to report my "soliciting her". I about came out of my skin, but instead told him what happened. He asked for my identification and told me that he hoped I understood that he had to check it out. I said I did, but that in no way was I soliciting her, I was just trying to help her get where she was going in the rain. I asked if I was in trouble for trying to help, and he said I was not, but it was illegal to pick up hitchhikers. I said that she was not hitching, I was just trying to help. He asked what I was out and about for, he had been following me as I randomly drove around town. I explained the cell phone situation. Then I decided to be really brave and told him that I was worried that she might have been Jesus with a test. He grinned and said, "If you had been in church, this would have never happened to begin with."

Moral to the story...go to church. If I had to do it over again, and it were any other day of the week but Sunday, I would. I still believe in tests.

Late nights

Remember being a kid and chasing lightening bugs? Remember the smell of honeysuckle that could lead you home in the dark? Or how about playing hide n seek with your best friends?

I was able to sit and listen to the laughter of kids playing in the dark this evening. Oh what memories it conjured up! Then those memories made me think of a certain friend that I skipped school with once just so we could sneak into her neighbor's yard and hang out by their pool all day. We were so bold back then. But nothing beats finding the magazines while out riding and posting those magazines on the side of the road just so we could watch the guys driving by slow down to get a better look at the type of magazines we found. I believe what comes around goes around and I'm preety sure we got what was coming to us when we hydroplaned and had the three wheeler wreck. I thought for sure this same friend was seriously injured because her face was stuck in the mud.

I don't think I have a single childhood memory with friends that this girl was not involved somehow, and several memories with family that this same girl was not present. come to think of it, we have so many memories that they might just find themselves in a book one day. Especially the memory of allowing my dad to drive us to our first dance...and I couldn't dream of leaving out a car ride on the way to the skating rink when the windows HAD to be rolled down! Of course, how can I put into words the comfortable silence of sitting at the baseball field and watching our boyfriends play ball and the all night giggling (or just breathing) over the phone. We shared our secrets, our first love stories, our wishes and dreams. We even shared the principals office on several occassions. Those make me smile the most. I was such a bad influence. :) I also recall feeling awful about moving away and this friend deciding that we should get our hands and feet soapy in the girl's bathroom at school on my last day. She said I had to leave my mark, so we made the mirror look like someone had been walking up the wall. She was there through my thousands of fights, and when my house burned down, and was there when my parents split up.

I hope those kids from tonight grow up with a "Sandy" in their lives. Or at the very least, a "Snooze n Orri" kind of bond.

Need

I will be the first to say that I don't spend any amount of time considering the things that I need. I'm not really talking about material things because if I need those things, I get them and I'm not talking about heavenly things because those are taken care of for me. What I AM talking about is when I need from other people.

Recently, I needed someone to pull me out of my own pitty party. I was down in the dumps about life, in general, and for whatever reason didn't seek my usual comforter. What happened was that God saw fit to place me in a position to reach out to a friend that has been dealing with some life issues of her own that knew exactly how to help me and knew exactly what to say. Her words rang as true as the sun. She was able to take her own world and combine it nicely with mine.

After her thoughtful words and actions, I was able to reflect on my selfishness and realize AGAIN that I am here to serve God and not myself. Anyway, needing people is not such a bad thing; especially when you find yourself surrounded by God's other true and faithful servants. So, thank you friend, and thank you, Lord for seeing to my every need and supplying me with such wonderful beings to share this life with.

Kentucky

Last evening, I was kind of in a mood. I think I was feeling homesick. I miss the wide open sky, the smell of wheat drying in the constant breeze, I miss the Midwestern apparel and attitude, I miss the smell of farm animals - from several miles away - ,I miss the ghostly presence of native spirits, but mostly I miss the sound of my brothers' voices. I miss being home. Having said that...

I love Kentucky. I adore the rich, lush, green everything! Green grass, green trees, green hills that slope so smoothly, and green tint to the evening sky. I love the southern drawl (compared to the twanginess of home), I appreciate the feeling of neighborly hospitality, and I cannot get enough of the competitiveness. Whether watching the Wildcats play, or cheering for a horse at the Derby, I smile when listening to a true Kentuckian yelling for their pick. It really makes me laugh right out loud when people yell at the television...I think the yeller will think the tube will mind better if you raise your tone a few hundred decibels. They also believe that a basketball player is making a personal affront when a shot is missed...

Anyway - Kentucky is where I have landed and I am proud to be part of the Big Blue Nation. For those of you at home that think I am a traitor, rest assured that I will always remain a Sooner, I won't root for the blue if and when they ever face off with the red. I will just have to find something very important to do for that day instead of watch. Until then, I will wear blue with pride, from the Blue Grass State.

The little things...

On occasion, I feel the need to just stop everything and re-energize. I know this sounds pretty crazy, but I get to a place where I just need a moment to gather my thoughts, gather my strength, and gather my heart strings. I have had one of those weeks where things weren't bad, they just weren't great. I really have no complaints, I just haven't really had time to pay attention to the details. The little things are what keep me happy, and I need to take a fresh look.

The problem with this, and here is the crazy part, is that when I stop like this, I realize that very seldom do I get asked what is going on with me. Don't take this the wrong way...I have a great family, and great friends...I just think I allow myself to be the strong one all the time and rarely ask for anything, so it is perfectly normal for those around me to assume that nothing is wrong because I don't speak up. I don't speak up for several reasons (mostly because I choose not to), but also because I know people have alot going on in their lives. I was born to be the "listener" and have no problem listening until the cows come home. I love listening and helping when I can. It is simply who I am. I just forget that on those rare days, and I need to be the one listened to, that I need to say, "Hey! Listen to me!" Of course, I would rather die than to say anything like that, but I can dream. :) Thankfully, I don't have anything to say this time...I just really needed to pay attention to the little things. Makes perfect sense, right? Ha. I know...my mind music is so far out there sometimes...it is even bazaar to me - and I'm the one thinking all this. I can only shake my head and grin.

Living in the moment

Have you ever had one of those moments when all is right with the world? It never ceases to amaze me how God is in complete control. I was blessed enough to have several of those moments today. It started this morning when I was able to see God's miracles through my students, then again with my Soul Sister group ( thanks to my great friends who led this mornings devotion), and again through an awesome fellowship at lunch, and then again with my son this afternoon. I have had so many miracles pop into my life recently and being able to realize where they come from makes life so enjoyable. Thankfully, I can look forward to seeing God's presence in my life for as long as the "east is from the west".

I have so many things to be thankful for. When I get down on my knees tonight, you can bet that I will be a grateful child to the Father for His love, companionship, grace, and love.

Garden of Eden

I have mixed feelings about gardens. On one hand, I love them and all of their glorious colors, textures, sizes, and overall chaos that I can cultivate and enjoy. On the other hand, there are these little squirms in my gut when I think I should know more about horticulture. And I don't like the critters one might find when poking about in the weeds.

Here's the scoop for today...

I got up super early and got Comanche out of bed so we could change our driver's licenses to reflect our new address. I took him on to school and then I had to run home to wait for the garage door opener guys to come fix the remotes.

Since our house is under warranty, I called the insurance place the Monday after we moved in (April 5) to let them know we needed to place a work order on the opener. I explained that the remotes were not working, but everything else was. On Thursday of that same week, (April 8) they called me back to ask what name brand the opener was. I told them it was a Craftsman.

Yesterday, (April 14) I got a call from a garage door place here in town. He said he tried to come out to look at it, but no one was home. Uh, you know, like people work...Anyway, I told him I would be home today. He said he would turn the work order back in to his boss and someone would be out. I asked what time he thought this would all take place. He said, "uh, I guess somewhere between 8 and 12".

I waited until noon with no phone call, no garage opener guy. So I went to run the other errands that come with changing an address. I got home about 2:30 and decided I should call the guy back. I called, he answered. I asked when to expect someone. He said he didn't have my work order, I should call their office. I called their office and the guy there couldn't find the work order. I had to explain everything from the very beginning. I included the information I thought pertinent to his job; things like the remotes don't work for the Craftsman opener.

At 2:55, my phone rang and this guy says he is around the corner and on his way. I tell him I need to pick my son up from school and will be back very soon. (I waited, so can he.)

I get back and he says, "Welllll, it seems your remotes don't work for this particular opener." I look at him with awe because I think he is a genius. He waits, so I nod. I'm hoping this will encourage him to continue with the prognosis.

He waits. I say, "Yeah, I know. What can we do about it." He says, "Ah, guess, you cun git anodder wun at the Sears." Thankfully, my husband pulls in at this time, because I'm thinking Spanky is getting ready to get his feelings hurt.

The guy tells Jeff that either the remotes are bad or the mother board is bad. Jeff gives him the same look this guy must see all day every day. Then the guy says, "I wuldn't rally know, 'cuz we don't work on Craftsmans." We pay him the $60.00 for telling us what we already know. As he is turning around to leave, he turns back and says, "Hey, ya'll got a pet snake?" Jeff tells him we do not. The guy says, "Well then, you might aughter git this un outa yur 'rage." I go into panic mode.

The Garden of Eden had a snake. I think it was more expensive than $60.00, though.

Back to work - ha ha (very funny)

On this Sunday evening, I am thinking about going back to work tomorrow. Then I find myself laughing hysterically because I realized that I NEED to go back to "work" to get away from the WORK I have been doing since Spring Break started! Really and truly, I think I am too old to do anymore moving. I hope to be in this house when my grandchildrens' grandchildren are born. Seriously, I can't cope with another week like this one has been. From dawn till early hours of the next mornings, I have been unpacking, cleaning, unpacking, cleaning and then today I got a wild hair and felt the need to clean out flower beds! Ugh. Who does that to themselves? I know...I am a glutton for self punishment. I think it needs to be done right now and not a moment later. I don't know how my family lives with me.

Of course, before my lower back started aching today - the weed pulling and planting flowers was therapeutic. It was nice to have the house to myself (Jeff was playing golf, and Comanche was at work). When Jeff got home, I went to get my nails done and then grabbed something to eat. Again, very nice and quiet. My mind music needed a much deserved break.

I did manage to go to church this morning and was doubly blessed. The message was good (about what to do with the freedom of salvation), but there was an additional bonus in it for me. I didn't have to sit by myself, (again..Jeff was playing golf and Comanche was working) because a friend showed up to sit with me and ponder all of life's little meanings. Thanks, friend!

Interestingly enough...

I was in the middle of cleaning out our old house today when I just sat in the living room floor and looked around. I did this after a couple of hours of vacuuming, mopping, lifting boxes out of the attic, pulling dust bunnies (mostly cat hair0 from vents, and overall just plain dirty work. I had the living room and dining room windows open all the way, the blinds were pulled up and the wind was whipping around the house like all get out. I made a phone call to my mom, and visited with her a few minutes and then just sat there in that big empty room. I closed my eyes so I could hear my mind music. The song was pretty interesting. I don't know if it was talking to my mom, or just plain exhaustion, but this is the song I heard...

I remembered being much much younger, and a strong desire to be outside all of the time. I would run through the open fields and go to the rock bridge to watch the water fall. I would let the Indian stone sand sift through my fingers and listen to the trees whisper their ancient stories. I can remember doing this everyday of summer vacations, or after school - as soon as i stepped off the bus. I would whistle for Tag, our coyote dog, and we would run through the trees out into the field. We would stop at the pond for a cool drink and then we would be off again to to the bridge. Occasionally, we would run a little further and watch the waters of the Cimarron river sway through the valley.

We would make it home just as the sun was setting and dinner was being set on the table. Those lazy days were sashaying through my mind as I listed to the wind blow inside the house today. Then I remembered how I would get the water hose and spray Tag (and myself) with that cold, clear water. It would only make the dirt rings around my neck more sticky, but it felt good and pure.

I don't know why my mind music takes a wandering like that - but when I opened my eyes, I felt better about things and picked up the mop again. I realized this would be the last time I would step foot in that big old house. I was sad, but only for a moment. Tag would have never let me stay still for very long, so I began to look forward to my newest adventure. I will file the wind whispers from that house in my mind music for another day. There are stories to tell from there, I am sure of it.

Easter!!!

Easter is my all time favorite holiday. I love the green grass to hide eggs in and the clear sky in which to bring lots of sunlight. I love the Easter flowers and the buds on the trees, I love having family dinner together but mostly I love the fact that all of these great things are gifts from my Lord and Savior. Thank you, God for sending your precious Son to die for my soul. Praise be your name because just like the flowers, He has risen and He is Alive!

Too busy

So much to do still, and so little time. I am just " putting one foot in front of the other" in hopes that eventually I will end up where I am supposed to be. I will not post for a couple of days because we will be in the process of moving. Thankfully after this weekend I might be back to normal. I need to send out a special "thank you" to those very special. People who have loved me even though I have been somewhat preoccupied and unable to give my undivided attention to you. I promise to make it up to you. Until then, have a blessed weekend.

Crazy talk...

Little story:

This morning, I was standing in my library with boxes surrounding me, I was tapping one foot while waiting on Comanche to finally leave the mirror so we could get on our way to school. I was already running behind and we all know that I am not very good at breaking rules - even the ones I impose upon myself.

So, I am standing there and all of a sudden, I hear my voice reverberating off the empty walls. I am hearing my voice get louder and louder and I wonder who is screaming. When I realize it is me, I am horrified at the thought that I have been yelling at my son. I didn't curse, I didn't call names, but the octave of screaming was unbearable to even my own ears.

I immediately feel the rush of tears as I contemplate what I am becoming. In the thirty or so seconds of self reflection, I knew that I was scared of completely losing every ounce of dignity within me. I feel guilt, I feel shame, I feel sick to my stomach.

In slow motion, I watch Comanche turn from the mirror, remove the ear bud out of his ear and say, "What? were you talking?"

I guess in retrospect, I can appreciate the fact that I am my worst critic. However, I am sure the look on my face was one of absolute confusion - or maybe a more painful awareness in my eyes.

I didn't realize I was invisible, but now that I know - at least I can deal with that. I also know that I will probably delete this post at some point in the future, because I am not an avid fan of "poor ginger days", but for just these few moments I am going to allow myself to be weak and maybe I will give in to the impulsive-throw-myself-on-the-bed-and-cry urge....although, I don't really see myself going that far with it.

Actually - I think I am over it.

Thoughtful moments...

Again, another day in my mind music has led me to a place where I have to contemplate what will be. Of course, this could seriously be an extremely futile attempt at procrastinating. I am to the point now of insanity because a normal minded person would not be in this position, nor would they laugh and roll their eyes. I really don't know why I wake up sometimes and wonder how everything in the universe MUST be done right now. Why can't I figure out the middle of the road on the whole "taking life easy" concept? Why must I employ every single fiber of my being in every single thought and action? It is truly exhausting. Oh...never mind. I think it could be due to my ability to procrastinate. I am not a procrastinator my nature. I really have a to do list that I follow religiously. I really do set aside specific times for specific purposes. I just tarry when it comes to the massive, you know, time consuming things; like packing, or typing a paper for the National Boards, or scheduling doctor/dentist visits, or anything at all once I get to the point that my brain just goes into stand-still mode. I simply don't do anything at all once the bombarding attack takes place.

This makes me wonder what I was like when I was in the Army. But then, that isn't really fair, because I had someone thinking for me, and pushing me to never stop. Maybe that is what I need...and then I shake my head NO! Uh, I don't think so. I like thinking for myself...most of the time. I also don't like being pushed. In the civilian world, and where I live currently, I come to a complete stop simply because I have been pushed and I like a little bit of a smirk now and then.

So, I will have to rely on the talking myself through it angle. Here is what I have so far:

1. I really would prefer to spend $1000. on National Boards and one year of my time as opposed to the $26,000. and two and a half years on a Rank I program somewhere else. I can look at it like this...I am paying myself $25,000. to write this paper.

2. I really would prefer to have a nice, clean, stress-free move to the new house as opposed to the messy, thrown together, and not find anything later (very stressful)consequence we will face if I don't get busy. I can look at it like this...I am saving my marriage and an unimaginable amount of anguish if I pack.

3. I really would prefer to be in control again versus the can't think straight person I have become. I can look at it like this...I am who I am and will eventually see my way out of this. I have faith in me and I have faith in God. Winning combination if you ask me. I am going to get busy. I have a lot to do.

Long, leisurely talks...

I was able to have a long leisurely talk with both my guys this evening. Comanche wanted to discuss high school life and I was able to really get to see him again. I mean "see him" as in who he is becoming. I cannot stress how important our talks are to me. He was talking about life at the high school and somehow we got on politics. My little man knows more than a kid should know. He expressed interest in law and then politics as a career choice. Then I was able to transition quite nicely to Jeff.

We talked about the things that need to be done, and cleared the air a little. I haven't been overly sweet the last few days. I get focused on the big picture, and he gets focused on the details. We will do that for a while and then switch. It is really quite amazing when you think about it. We have overcome some serious obstacles in our lives and in our marriage...I am sure we can overcome moving from one house to another.

Speaking of marriage - in 6 days, we will have been married 17 years. We talked about that a little this evening, as well. We laughed about how young we were and where life has led us. Thankfully, we haven't killed each other. Neither of us are super easy to live with.

Work is well. Busy, but that's okay. Keeps me out of trouble (for now). The brothers all seem well. I was able to talk to Ron and Steve yesterday, but only a few minutes. I talked to Mac for quite a bit longer and relieved to know he is back home and is doing really well.

Overall, life is good. I just finished reading "23 Minutes in Hell" and had to do a double take on some things. Great book, great message, but pretty powerful when I stop to think about putting things into perspective. Nothing should come before God, and I think it is really easy to get caught up in the "business of life" when in reality, the "business of living" the right way and in the right frame of mind is so important.

All in the day of my mind music.

Life in General

Everyone enjoys a good night's sleep. I think it puts things into a better perspective. I haven't been sleeping much lately, but only because I have myself caught between a rock and a hard place. No worries - I did it to myself. I have just allowed so many things to take over to the point to where I don't know which is the priority. I won't be teaching college after this semester, so that should help a little. With any luck at all, I can get moved AND complete this section of the National Boards before the 15th of April. I also get a little sad this time of year because my students will be leaving me and going on to bigger and better things very soon. I am so thankful for each and every one of them, and want them to be successful - I just get a little "empty nest" feeling in the pit of my stomach.

On the brighter side - the sun has been out the last couple of days and that always rejuvenates me. I look forward to the days when there is more sun than not. Those are the best days. This summer should be pretty nice. I won't have oral comps to worry about, I won't be teaching (college, middle school or Loft) and I can be lazy. If I were completely honest, here, I would have to say that last thought makes me a little anxious. What will I do all day? But anyway - I am willing to give it a try.

As for right now, things are busy and non-stop. Packing seems to drain me and I get frustrated with my guys for not working as hard as I do. They say I stress them out! Really? They say I have a 'take charge' nature and I have to laugh. I mean, really laugh....like a belly laugh because I wonder who the heck would take charge if I didn't. Dang, I love those guys. They are certainly worth keeping around - if for nothing more than entertainment. Just kidding. We know each other's strengths and weaknesses. That is what family is all about, I suppose.

Well, I guess I will get back to packing. Who knew we had so much stuff?

The BIG move...

Here is a heads up: if I don't post for a while it is because we will be moving. This means I will be up to my head (literally) with boxes. We are down sizing, but not by much. Just enough to have to decide which of the larger pieces of furniture need to be sold or given away. Also - the books in the library will be one of the bigger projects so I wanted to share that I might not be posting.

But never fear - the music goes on and I am sure there will be a story to tell afterwards.

No more negative!

So, I was reading this book, "Push", which was made into the movie "Precious". After forcing myself to finish it in three hours, I was able to really look at life in a different perspective. The book, itself, is written well, but the content was too disturbing to really think about anymore. However, when I read things like that, I am able to take a look at the things I have and how often I take them for granted. I have an amazing family - from top to bottom. That is what matters the most.

The other material things that I am fortunate enough to have are not really what I want to be my focus any longer. I have a great job, great house, great vehicles, great everything. I am thankful for them, but they are not what make me. They were not there when I was born, and I am pretty confident they won't be there when I die.

I am convinced that life has got to be more than the rat race I have allowed it to become. I will be more observant to the needs of those around me. If it means my house doesn't get cleaned (I have OCD tendencies), then it will be there when the needs of others have been met. Life is about relationships and how we treat each other.

I could spend hours belly aching how others treat me, or even how others treat others around me, but that is not my test. My test is how do I treat others? For a while now, I have been failing and miserably. I have let myself become so acclimated to society's norms that I have been guilty of not treating the people in my life as they deserve to be treated. I am not saying I have purposely been mean, but I haven't been as attentive as I should. I haven't been as forgiving as I should, and I haven't been as supportive as I should. I have always believed in what comes around goes around. When I think about this, I instinctively think about the harm that will come to others who have mistreated me. This is my first problem. What I should REALLY think about first is "Uh Oh." How have I treated others and in doing this, I will be more focused on what I can do and not so focused on what others are doing. I have to remember that I am only in control of my mouth, actions, and feelings. I am the only decision maker for me, AND I can only make those decisions for ME (not others). I will only be held accountable for myself. When I am standing before the Man, and He asks questions, there will be none of this "Well they deserved it" crap. I don't imagine He will appreciate me trying to do His job (especially when I muck it up from start to finish and then He has to go back and fix it or spend time making something good out of my making it bad).

Anyway - If I can remember that I am not in a position to judge others and if I can remind myself that even when people do mean spirited and hurtful things, I am not the judge and jury. I have GOT to let go and let God. It is the only way. With any luck at all, I will feel better about myself and my choices. I will start with being thankful for things in my life, but I will be more appreciative of the people (gifts from God) in my life.

When do the good guys win?

Alright - here goes. About a week back, my step-dad, Murry, was asked to come into Lowe's where he goes to pick up materials used for installing carpet as an independent contractor working under Rainwater Floorcovering (which my mom owns). He was told the night before that a corporate guy wanted to have a meeting about work loads and details, but in reality - Murry showed up and was physically forced into a room where another corporate guy was standing post at the door. The corporate guys commenced in a three hour drill and grill session about missing carpet pads (around $80,000.00 worth). Murry tells them that he is not a thief and starts to explain how the problem COULD be that the sales people at Lowe's allow the padding to be cut by the customers OR they give whole rolls out for small jobs. The corporate guys continue to harass and threaten Murry with prosecution and "video" of him placing carpet tacks in his cart. Duh! He puts carpets on floors!!! Of course he has carpet tacks in his cart. The main guy leaves several times and comes back to intimidate and use terroristic style interrogations until Murry finally gives. Now keep in mind that Murry hasn't been in this type of stressful, hostile situation since Vietnam and has been threatened, physically shoved, and harassed for THREE HOURS!!! They finally make him sign a note that says he is "sorry for his actions" and make him agree to paying around $400.00. What actions???? Why $400.00? No one knows. They escort him out of the store and refuse to let him work the next day.

BIG PROBLEM....the owner of the company is my mom. Not one time did they ever contact her as the owner and let her know. Nor did they give Murry a copy of whatever it was they made him sign. Nor did they terminate the already assigned jobs to my mom, but gave them to another contractor. Nor was there any kind of representation for Murry. I am going to cuss...I know I will, so you may not want to read any further.

On to a different problem, but still the same. Lowe's has had to be reminded SEVERAL times that my mom (a woman, for crying out loud) is the owner of the company. They have refused to acknowledge her through phone calls, emails, and any other way they can get around it. Back in June, she had to force a meeting with the installation manager because he was giving her the ol' corporate run-around paper trail game that had to do with a lost background check on one of her employees. They wouldn't let her company work (even though she had guys with background checks) until this particular employee's background check went through. The guy had been working for eight years with Lowe's - I wonder where the background check had been then? Sound suspicious??? It should - it was Murry's background check that was mysteriously missing. Again, mom had to force a meeting to prove she was the owner. When she tried to call above the head of this guy, she was told by his boss that he "already knows everything" and then asked my mom, "can YOU lay the carpet"? Okay - the curse words are going to bubble out...I will just try to hold on a bit longer.

I am encouraging my mother to pursue a claim with EEOC, with her own attorney, post it in the papers, shout it from the mountain tops, and visit Larry King. This is America and in America, we are not allowed to bully, harass, intimidate, extort, discriminate, threaten, or mistreat people. Small business owners already have it rough enough - they don't need to be man handled (no punn intended).

If you have thoughts or suggestions on when the good guys win, please go ahead and post. I would love to hear them.

The Sun is Shining

Alright. Late February and finally some sun is shining. This wonderful gift and act of nature brings on a huge sigh of relief...in many, many ways.

For example: one can go outside and feel warmth on their faces instead of ice forming on the moistness of their eyes, one can sit on their porch and listen to the birds singing to the sun, one can reflect on how life easily changes in the moment it takes the sun to peak over the horizon, and one can be thankful for the thousands of everyday blessings given to us by the Creator of the sun.

While reflecting, I listen to the heartbeat inside my chest. It beats with a steady thump that keeps my mind music in rhythm. It pounds out its constant reminder that I am alive. It shares its memories of past sunny days of pure warmth and enjoyment.

It also brings hope as I see little sprouts that promise beautiful colors in the tulip bed. Which remind me of how similar I am to my mother in regards to watching for gifts that lie under the snow. How amazing is it that I can remember being very small and learning this life long lesson from her when she was pointing out the life that survives under the harshness of a death-like winter?

I hope to be as amazing as she is. She is my constant ray of sun and warmth. She is a lighthouse that is never wavering and as solid as the rock that won't budge for any man or any amount of money. She knows to turn to God and she knows that one of the most precious gifts God gave to her are her children. She takes that knowledge and she gives her children and their lives right back to Him. In doing so, she models that unconditional faith and love in her God for her children to learn from. When the whiteness of the snow is gone and the green peeks through, she tells her children that this act of nature is from the Great Creator in an effort to show us that He is in control and only He can give life.

So, I welcome the first signs of spring and look forward to having, yet, another opportunity to teach my own children how life is a gift and if we watch for it, we can see those gifts through the promises of God.

Corporate America

I wanted to take a minute and vent. If you are not interested in this section of my mind music, please stop reading now.

I have had my belly full of what some of America's larger companies think they can get away with. From the incident at Hobby Lobby with Amy to the more recent incident between my immediate family and Lowe's. I think that the blue collar working people need to make a stand against being treated like second class citizens when in reality, big money making companies would be penniless without the people willing to put in 14 hour days and giving their all to just to make their own ends met. I hope that Lowe's understands that when they represent themselves as a heartless, hateful, irresponsible, and unprofessional business, they will eventually reap what they sow. I know this doesn't sound very threatening, but when you realize how big God is and how small (mentally, physically, and every other 'ally) those people are that think they have the world by the knee caps, it becomes easier to understand how powerful this kind of "what comes around - goes around" theory is and what it means on a much larger scale.

I vow from this moment on to not stand by and allow anyone to disrespect me or anyone I love anymore. I have taken the high road and swallowed my tongue on more than one occasion and I guess I am choking on it now. The worst part is that I should have made this stand a while back. I will try to handle things with grace and dignity, but I simply can't make the promise that I will not demand a certain amount of respect from people.

Valentine's Day - 2010

In honor of today being February 14th, I thought I would share a little story...

In March of 1992, I was making my way from San Antonio, Texas to Enterprise, Alabama. I was on my way to my first duty station at Fort Rucker, with no real expectation in mind other than to finally get to settle somewhere after completing basic training in Fort Leonardwood, MO and advanced individual training in Fort Sam Houston, TX. I was tired and quite frankly needed a place to call my own.

I met my NCO's, SSG Torres, and SSG Rodriguez as soon as I was in processed. They were nice enough fellows and wanted to show me around the hospital (where I would work the next three years) and to introduce me to the other PAD members. I was fortunate enough to know two of the girls that would be working with me because we had gone to basic and AIT at the same time. I knew them well enough to know that Devona Kay would call cheerios, "searios", and Tonya McCall was engaged to a guy from Ft. somewhere else in Alabama. I also knew them well enough because the three of us would share a very tiny room for the next couple of months.

Anyway - Sergeants Torres and Rodriguez were introducing the three of us to our new colleagues. Tracey Kaye was a specialist and married to a German girl (Bianca), Jay Battle was from Montgomery, AL and called everyone "guy", and there was another woman that was from Little Rock, AR. I immediately thought I should leave her alone - she was a brute and made no bones about breaking in "fresh meat". As Torres and Rodriguez were laughing at their own jokes, a guy poked his head around the cubicle to ask them a question. The sergeants introduced him as PFC Estes. He was only visible from the neck up and only for 2.5 seconds. Devona looked at me and said, "OOOOOOHhhhh, Boots! There go a Keeuuuttteee white boy!" I raised an eyebrow and let her know I wasn't going to respond to her opinions.

A few days later, PFC Estes was knocking on my barracks door. He said he was going to train me on the evening shift, and in the background of my room, Devona and Tonya were assuring each other that yes, indeed, he would. I ignored their comments while PFC Estes told me that I needed to get some rest because our shift started at 11:00 and would be over at 7:00 the next morning.

Estes and I worked the late shift for about a month and got to be pretty good friends. During the days (when everyone else was working), we would have lunch at either Taco Bell, or order pizzas from every pizza place in town. I learned that he was from Kentucky, drove a black, S10 truck with VERY loud speakers in the back, and had a girlfriend back home. I respected that and was only interested in friendship anyway - I had a boyfriend.

Life went on and I was pulling CQ one night for our barracks and this little girl comes in and demands to see Estes. I ask her to sign in and let her know that she needs to be gone by midnight. She informs me that she is a generals daughter and has no need to follow any of "my" rules. I let her go and curled back up with a book and vaguely wondered what Estes was doing with her. The next morning, Estes comes in to talk and asks if the girl can borrow some clothes, they are going to Montgomery for the day. I wouldn't have let her have them, but I liked Estes well enough to trust him. I never saw the clothes again, because I guess they broke up.

Estes asked if I wanted to see a movie and I declined. I already had a date for the peanut festival. He said he would stay and work on his truck. Later that night, I was headed out to the parking lot with the date and saw Estes under the hood of his truck. He stood up straight and waved. He had grease marks on his bare chest and his hat was turned around backwards. I turned to my date and told him I couldn't go out with him. I turned and walked over to Estes' truck to see if I could be of any help. :)

We went to see "A League of Their Own" and on the way back to the barracks, Estes told me about his daughter, Lauren. I was smitten with both, but I liked him too much and wanted to stay friends. I knew enough to know that once you date someone, it is too hard to just go back to being friends after, so I made it a point to be close, but not that close.

We talked about other romantic interests, favorite foods, television, families, and anything a person can think of to talk about - we talked about it. Estes asked me if I wanted to go to Kentucky for the weekend. I laughed and said that I didn't think so. Too many hillbillies and all. He went anyway. I was bored all weekend.

He asked again after Christmas - we had some drama with some of the guys in our company who had drug related problems. I said maybe next time. I was bored again while he was gone.

I met his parents when they came to Alabama for a weekend, but only briefly. Jeff was showing them his room. I saw them all coming down the hall and he introduced me to them in passing. I went on my way - but I was secretly glad he was back. They had all gone to Florida, and Jeff looked pretty good with a tan. I was seriously glad he was back.

A friend and I decided that we would move out of the barracks and rent a place off post. Jeff helped us move and attended our first party. At one time, I thought of myself as a pretty good quarters player, but Jeff took that title from me. I was pretty pissed about the whole thing until he kissed me. I pretended to be mad about that too.

I was asked to babysit for one of our master sergeants while he was out of town. You don't say "no" to a master sergeant, so I made Jeff go with me and we watched the kids and each other.

Jeff asked again if I would go to Kentucky with him. I accepted. It was about an eight hour trip and we would leave after PT the following Friday. (which happened to be Valentine's day)

We got to Kentucky around midnight and we walked into his parent's house. His mom had been sleeping on the couch waiting for us, and when she stood up, she said, "Hello, Shannon. It is nice to meet you." I looked at Jeff and raised both eyebrows. He quickly corrected his mom and showed me to the guest room. There were balloons and flowers on the night stand. The balloons had "I LOVE YOU" on them, and the flowers were the most beautiful roses I have ever seen. I was confused because I thought they were for 'Shannon', but Jeff insisted they were for me. I was taken back, but pleasantly relieved. On the way back to Alabama, we talked about the rest of our lives.

We were married the following month, March 29, 1993, during his lunch break from Air Assault School. We went to the courthouse in Ozark, AL and were married by a lady with a nice gap between her teeth. She was sweet, but pronouncing Estes was difficult for her.

We went back to the place that we rented together and started our lives as a married couple. In June, we found out I was pregnant and we would have Comanche on January, 27th, 1994. Nine months after his birth, we found ourselves in Heidelberg, Germany for three years. After our active duty lives were over, we returned to the great state of Kentucky to spend the rest of our lives together. Almost 17 years later, I can still see Jeff standing up after working on the engine of his truck. I knew then, that I wouldn't be able to breathe if we weren't together. I am still not sure why it took me so long.

Memories

Just recently, I was given the best gift. I sent a message to my oldest brother and got caught up in memories. I won't share all of those that he and I spoke of, mostly because I am sure no one else would understand. However, I was sent down memory lane so I thought I would give you a quick timeline of the life of Ginger.

1972 - born
1977 - started my school career in Guthrie, Oklahoma and met my best friends for the rest of my school days and still at large - Sandy and Gerri
1988- two weeks before Christmas and in my junior year of high school, moved to Moore, Oklahoma
1989 - moved to podunk-nowhere Arkansas (hated it and can't stand this time of my life so I will move forward)
1990 - graduated high school (barely because life was so friggin' miserable)
1992 - enlisted in the US Army - went to basic at Ft. Leonardwood, MO and AIT in San Antonio, TX (Ft. Sam Houston)
1992 - May - went to my first duty station at Ft. Rucker, AL. Met two of my best friends in the whole world (Mischa and Lori) - Have lived several lives with them *Gulf Port, MS*
1993 - Met and married my husband, Jeff (and gained a daughter - Lauren).
1994 - Had Comanche and moved to Heidelberg, Germany.
1995 - I got out of the Army and started working for the Univ. of MD - Heidelberg Division
1997 - Jeff and I left the Army (totally) and moved to Kentucky and started our new lives as civilians. We both earned our bachelor degrees and I went on to get my masters from Western Kentucky University and sometime in there began teaching, where I met Amy and several other people whom I have had fantastic memories with.
2004 - taught high school (English) at Cloverport
2005 - taught middle school Language Arts in Daviess County with Sara, Jennifer, Barbie, and Cathy
currently - still teaching and have included teaching college classes (English).

I know that was a brief synopsis, but if you know me at all, then you know where you fit in the life of Ginger. For example - I have three brothers and two sisters-in-law, I have four nephews, and three nieces (whom I completely adore) and talk to my mom just about every single day. I love my family and am always there for my friends. I support my students, and get a kick out of middle school drama (until it gets old0, and LOVE LOVE LOVE summer vacations.

All in all - that is me and the timeline of my mind music. Now maybe when you read the posts, they make a little more sense. Love to all.

Urgh....

I do not normally growl. However, I think with the snow getting on my nerves, and dealing with the ignorance of some people have left me in a pretty foul mood. I have not always been the most caring or compassionate person. Once upon a time, I would have rather spit on someone than to worry about their feelings or even try to see things from their perspective. Occasionally, those tendencies creep back into thoughts and I am ready to pounce on someone. Incidentally, this particular instance has me befuddled. Here is why:

I can't take matters into my own hands (as I would have liked) because one of the people I care about the most on this planet won't allow it. I remember a time, a few years back, when I wouldn't have even cared if this person got angry, because I knew in my heart of hearts that this person would always love me, even when angry with me. This time is different, because I cannot stand to see this person hurt more than they are already hurting. The person that is doing the hurting should probably hurt too - in my way of thinking. I realize that God will take all of this into consideration, but I can't stop wanting to hurt this person to make them stop hurting the person I love.

To take matters a little more complicated - the person doing the hurting is also manipulating other people that I love and this infuriates me even more. Without sounding cryptic, one of the people being manipulated is also manipulating the original person I love the most. The tangled webs we weave, right?

Back to my original thought - I want so badly for these people who manipulate and intentionally hurt others to hurt more, and - I hope you drown in a vat of horse pee. I know this is not a Christian like attitude, and I will more than likely delete this post sometime down the line...but not just yet. I am extremely put out with the whole lot of you (the people who pretend to be considerate and hide behind cloaks of daggers and lies). This includes the one of you that should absolutely know better. Wannabe people can get bent, the originals (and you know who you are) will soon find out that you can't treat people like this and expect nothing in return. You reap what you sow and that comes from that religion that you say you believe in. God understands anger, but I don't think He understands dirty, underhanded, take what you want, hateful, deceit. Once a liar - always a liar.

For those of you who are new to my posting, I am terribly sorry that you have to witness this - but if you want to know the mind of the music - you probably need to know that sometimes the songs aren't that pretty. The times that I growl are rare these days, but tonight just happens to be one of those times. URGHHHHH.

The more things change, the more things stay the same...

So, I have neglected to post for several months, and am sorry about that. I will try to update and in doing so, relieve some of the mind music that sounds like heavy metal ringing in my ears. I would really like to have my brain return to the smooth, soft, harmony that usually is playing in my mind.

Weather: we currently have about eight inches of snow. We are out of school AGAIN and I am concerned about when this school year will end. I love my j0b, but with my "seasonal disorder" I would enjoy a nice summer vacation.

Family: Jeff and I are still wonderful. Comanche has received his driver's license and moved on to another girlfriend. Lauren turned 19 yesterday, and our house is on the market. We want to move out to the Estes' farm. We want to enjoy the benefits of living in the country again, so Comanche can have some of the experiences that both Jeff and I did growing up.

Work: Wow. So far, this year has been flying by and I think we have tried to keep most of the drama that comes with middle school at bay. We still get the occasional flare up, but for the most part - we have great kids. They still want to please, so they try hard to meet our expectations for them. Teaching college has been such a blessing. I have really enjoyed meeting the people, and working with them to help them meet their own goals. I like that about what I do.

Extended family: All seems well, except for a few hurdles that my brothers are going through. I would like to see some of the drama end there, but when you live in a world full of sin, it is pretty probably that bad things are going to happen. I just hate when one of them has found himself in a situation that he simply did not ask for, nor did he even see coming. I would explain how infuriated I was, but I don't want the explicit language to come across the wrong way. Don't get me wrong - I am still pretty livid, but there are better ways to handle things than to stoop to the level of the one that deserves it. Hopefully, that person will understand how their actions have impacted an entire family. I read a book once about how when we are on earth and the pain we cause (whether intentional or not) will be shown to us when we get to Heaven. This guy that wrote the book died on an operating table and was given this box to open after he died. He opened the box and felt immense pain and suffering and explained it something like this: When he came home from work and took out his bad day on his wife, she in turn took it out on the kids, the kids then took it out on their friends, and their friends took it out on their own families. Well, the guy at the beginning not only felt his own pain again, but the pain of everyone after him because he had the choice to stop it with himself. Anyway - I can't imagine how painful that must have been for him. He was revived on the operating table and felt the need to write that book. I can't remember the title, but I think it was "Life After Life". In case you want to read it for yourself.

So - back to my original statement - I am not in a position to take on the world's ugliness, even though I often think I can, but I know someone who certainly has the power to do that. God knows how many people I have hurt in the past and I would really rather not have to add to the pain in the box that I will already get. Otherwise, I would be ALL over it. I guess the people who impact others will just have to learn the hard way.

As for the rest of my family - they all seem to be doing well. I was able to add a sister to my life just recently. She lives in California and is attending college there. I got her number from my mom and step-dad, so I called her up and introduced myself. It was great talking to her and getting to know her. Up until then, I had only seen a couple of pictures of her, but did not know how to get into touch with her.

Alright - I think my mind music is calming down for now. At least now I can make some sense of the rhythm again. I didn't realize how much I missed this until Sandy made me aware that I hadn't posted in a while. Thanks, friend, for sensing that I needed this outlet. You always did know how to calm my spirit. :)