Crazy talk...

Little story:

This morning, I was standing in my library with boxes surrounding me, I was tapping one foot while waiting on Comanche to finally leave the mirror so we could get on our way to school. I was already running behind and we all know that I am not very good at breaking rules - even the ones I impose upon myself.

So, I am standing there and all of a sudden, I hear my voice reverberating off the empty walls. I am hearing my voice get louder and louder and I wonder who is screaming. When I realize it is me, I am horrified at the thought that I have been yelling at my son. I didn't curse, I didn't call names, but the octave of screaming was unbearable to even my own ears.

I immediately feel the rush of tears as I contemplate what I am becoming. In the thirty or so seconds of self reflection, I knew that I was scared of completely losing every ounce of dignity within me. I feel guilt, I feel shame, I feel sick to my stomach.

In slow motion, I watch Comanche turn from the mirror, remove the ear bud out of his ear and say, "What? were you talking?"

I guess in retrospect, I can appreciate the fact that I am my worst critic. However, I am sure the look on my face was one of absolute confusion - or maybe a more painful awareness in my eyes.

I didn't realize I was invisible, but now that I know - at least I can deal with that. I also know that I will probably delete this post at some point in the future, because I am not an avid fan of "poor ginger days", but for just these few moments I am going to allow myself to be weak and maybe I will give in to the impulsive-throw-myself-on-the-bed-and-cry urge....although, I don't really see myself going that far with it.

Actually - I think I am over it.