Thoughtful moments...

Again, another day in my mind music has led me to a place where I have to contemplate what will be. Of course, this could seriously be an extremely futile attempt at procrastinating. I am to the point now of insanity because a normal minded person would not be in this position, nor would they laugh and roll their eyes. I really don't know why I wake up sometimes and wonder how everything in the universe MUST be done right now. Why can't I figure out the middle of the road on the whole "taking life easy" concept? Why must I employ every single fiber of my being in every single thought and action? It is truly exhausting. Oh...never mind. I think it could be due to my ability to procrastinate. I am not a procrastinator my nature. I really have a to do list that I follow religiously. I really do set aside specific times for specific purposes. I just tarry when it comes to the massive, you know, time consuming things; like packing, or typing a paper for the National Boards, or scheduling doctor/dentist visits, or anything at all once I get to the point that my brain just goes into stand-still mode. I simply don't do anything at all once the bombarding attack takes place.

This makes me wonder what I was like when I was in the Army. But then, that isn't really fair, because I had someone thinking for me, and pushing me to never stop. Maybe that is what I need...and then I shake my head NO! Uh, I don't think so. I like thinking for myself...most of the time. I also don't like being pushed. In the civilian world, and where I live currently, I come to a complete stop simply because I have been pushed and I like a little bit of a smirk now and then.

So, I will have to rely on the talking myself through it angle. Here is what I have so far:

1. I really would prefer to spend $1000. on National Boards and one year of my time as opposed to the $26,000. and two and a half years on a Rank I program somewhere else. I can look at it like this...I am paying myself $25,000. to write this paper.

2. I really would prefer to have a nice, clean, stress-free move to the new house as opposed to the messy, thrown together, and not find anything later (very stressful)consequence we will face if I don't get busy. I can look at it like this...I am saving my marriage and an unimaginable amount of anguish if I pack.

3. I really would prefer to be in control again versus the can't think straight person I have become. I can look at it like this...I am who I am and will eventually see my way out of this. I have faith in me and I have faith in God. Winning combination if you ask me. I am going to get busy. I have a lot to do.